Archive for the ‘Glen Sather’ Category

With Naslund off the books, what will be Sather’s next offering to the gods of hockey hilarity?

May 5, 2009

Semi-surprising news tonight: Markus Naslund‘s days as a former star turned passive perimeter player an NHL player are over. The move gives the Rangers an additional $4 million of cap space. Which, naturally, Glen Sather will spend in some hilariously incorrect way.

(The old salary cap outlook will have to be scraped, although it’s still fun to laugh at the contracts Scott Gomez, Chris Drury and Wade Redden signed.)

Anyway, since the Rangers now have enough cap space to make more stupid decisions (NHLSCAP says they’ll go into next year with a cap number slightly above $38 million), we thought it might be fun to picture ‘ol Sather’s contract proposals.

Phone call proposal: Marian Hossa

Glen: Hey, Mary! Odd name you got there, but you’re a heckuva player! Hyuck hyuck.
Hossa: Uh …
Glen: So, I know you went to the Red Wings last year to try to get a Cup. But I know what you really want: intense media scrutiny and more cold weather. Hello? Mary Ann? Hello?
(phone clicks)

Lunch meeting with: Mats Sundin

Glen: Mark? Is that you?
(Sather cleans off his glasses with a handkerchief.)
Glen: Wow, Mark, you’re looking GREAT! Jeez, did you get taller? Still got the gambling bug, I see. When did you learn Swedish?
Mats: …

Clearly tampering phone call to Erik Cole made during the Canes’ playoff run
Glen: Heeeeeey, Erik, how’s it going?
Erik: Uh, fine Mr. Sather. Shouldn’t we be waiting until July to be doing —
Glen: Look, Cole-y, I’m going to cut right to the chase. Coal miner, you’re a hell of a player. Actually, Coal train, I’m not going to lie. I don’t watch a lot of hockey anymore. It’s so boring without Wayne and Mark! But my grandchildren think you’re awesome in a video game. I see that you’re rated in the 80’s. You’re almost as good as Drury and Gomez!!! Oh we just need to add a couple more 90’s to this team and we’ll be golden!
Erik: Riiight.
Glen: Anyway, Cole, think it over. And break a leg – er – neck – er … good luck in the playoffs.

Bumps into Mike Comrie at expensive designer clothing boutique

Glen: Mike? Comrie? Hoowww’s it going buddy?
Comrie: Um, who are you?
Glen: You know what, Mike, I watched you play with the Islanders and I think you have the certain something that can really make an impact in New York.
Comrie: I don’t know, don’t you have a bunch of cent-
Glen: From watching you play, I can tell that your assets are not being utilized enough. I can see that this team really could get a lot more out of … Hillary Duff. In the stands, making the occasional locker room speech, posing for promotional photos in skin tight tailored Rangers jerseys … hanging out with 20 or so of her sluttiest – er – closest friends in my luxury suite …
Comrie: (sigh)

Desperate plea to Jaromir Jagr

Glen: Yaaaaaags, how’s it going, baby? You ready to come back to the Big Apple?(pause) We didn’t WANT you? Nahhh, we were just kidding! How’s that Brazilian wax looking soul patch going? Ah, you shaved it? Damn. Well, hey, just uh, let me know if you want to come back. Not that, uh, we’re having problems scoring goals without you or anything (laughs awkwardly)

Signs Marian Gaborik to a 10 year, $80 million contract
Marian: Are you sure you don’t want me to take a physical first?
Glen: Naaaaaah!

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Salary Cap Outlook: New York Rangers

March 20, 2009

A few months ago, a column regarding “the scariest contracts in the NHL” prompted an in-depth post on the Pacific division teams for Battle of California. That division is full of great contracts, with absolute bargains for guys like Ryan Getzlaf and Dustin Brown. Since we’re salary cap nerds at CLS, we decided to take a look at the future of each team in the NHL, starting with the New York Rangers.

Please note that the “contract” amount listed beside each player takes into account cap hit, not salary. Naturally, many teams will call up minor league players to fill out their rosters.

New York Rangers
Current cap for 2009-10: $46 million
Current starters under contract: 6 forwards, 4 defensemen and 1 goalie (11 players)
Best contracts: Marc Staal (sub-million through 09-10); Sean Avery ($1.9 million through 11-12)
Worst contracts: Scott Gomez ($7.35 million through 13-14); Chris Drury ($7 million through 11-12); Wade Redden ($6.5 million through 13-14); Michal Rosival ($5 million through 11-12)
Superstar contract: Henrik Lundqvist ($6.88 million through 13-14)

How different will the world be in the year 2014?

NYR fans might wonder that when they look at their team’s future. At that point, the Rangers may finally be out of the wilderness of horrifying contracts. Or at least, let’s hope so, because it might get a little miserable to be a fan of the Blueshirts during the next few years.

Honestly, though, we should not ridicule Glen Sather for his work. He’s an artist. He is the Jackson Pollock of bad contracts.

(It’s pretty mind blowing that Sather and Isiah Thomas probably passed each other in the halls of Madison Square Garden many times. Truly, those two are brothers.)

The toughest question might be: which contract is the worst of them all? Is it Drury, getting near-Crosby money to top out at 60 points per season? Or maybe Scott Gomez, a guy with more offensive potential but also a longer albatross contract. Then again, there’s Michal Rosival, a depth D making $5 million per year. (Should we even mention Redden? That might be cruel.)

The best semi-long term contract is only a steal because the Dallas Stars are paying half of Sean Avery‘s salary. It would be sad, but slightly funny, if the Rangers were unable to keep their best young player Marc Staal simply because of the cap mistakes they keep making. Just an abomination of a cap situation.

Isn’t it amazing that Sather was able to do it again? And with record speed, too. Sports just wouldn’t be fun anymore without the Sathers of the world.

Except when he is constructing your team, of course.