Archive for the ‘Idiocy’ Category

With Naslund off the books, what will be Sather’s next offering to the gods of hockey hilarity?

May 5, 2009

Semi-surprising news tonight: Markus Naslund‘s days as a former star turned passive perimeter player an NHL player are over. The move gives the Rangers an additional $4 million of cap space. Which, naturally, Glen Sather will spend in some hilariously incorrect way.

(The old salary cap outlook will have to be scraped, although it’s still fun to laugh at the contracts Scott Gomez, Chris Drury and Wade Redden signed.)

Anyway, since the Rangers now have enough cap space to make more stupid decisions (NHLSCAP says they’ll go into next year with a cap number slightly above $38 million), we thought it might be fun to picture ‘ol Sather’s contract proposals.

Phone call proposal: Marian Hossa

Glen: Hey, Mary! Odd name you got there, but you’re a heckuva player! Hyuck hyuck.
Hossa: Uh …
Glen: So, I know you went to the Red Wings last year to try to get a Cup. But I know what you really want: intense media scrutiny and more cold weather. Hello? Mary Ann? Hello?
(phone clicks)

Lunch meeting with: Mats Sundin

Glen: Mark? Is that you?
(Sather cleans off his glasses with a handkerchief.)
Glen: Wow, Mark, you’re looking GREAT! Jeez, did you get taller? Still got the gambling bug, I see. When did you learn Swedish?
Mats: …

Clearly tampering phone call to Erik Cole made during the Canes’ playoff run
Glen: Heeeeeey, Erik, how’s it going?
Erik: Uh, fine Mr. Sather. Shouldn’t we be waiting until July to be doing —
Glen: Look, Cole-y, I’m going to cut right to the chase. Coal miner, you’re a hell of a player. Actually, Coal train, I’m not going to lie. I don’t watch a lot of hockey anymore. It’s so boring without Wayne and Mark! But my grandchildren think you’re awesome in a video game. I see that you’re rated in the 80’s. You’re almost as good as Drury and Gomez!!! Oh we just need to add a couple more 90’s to this team and we’ll be golden!
Erik: Riiight.
Glen: Anyway, Cole, think it over. And break a leg – er – neck – er … good luck in the playoffs.

Bumps into Mike Comrie at expensive designer clothing boutique

Glen: Mike? Comrie? Hoowww’s it going buddy?
Comrie: Um, who are you?
Glen: You know what, Mike, I watched you play with the Islanders and I think you have the certain something that can really make an impact in New York.
Comrie: I don’t know, don’t you have a bunch of cent-
Glen: From watching you play, I can tell that your assets are not being utilized enough. I can see that this team really could get a lot more out of … Hillary Duff. In the stands, making the occasional locker room speech, posing for promotional photos in skin tight tailored Rangers jerseys … hanging out with 20 or so of her sluttiest – er – closest friends in my luxury suite …
Comrie: (sigh)

Desperate plea to Jaromir Jagr

Glen: Yaaaaaags, how’s it going, baby? You ready to come back to the Big Apple?(pause) We didn’t WANT you? Nahhh, we were just kidding! How’s that Brazilian wax looking soul patch going? Ah, you shaved it? Damn. Well, hey, just uh, let me know if you want to come back. Not that, uh, we’re having problems scoring goals without you or anything (laughs awkwardly)

Signs Marian Gaborik to a 10 year, $80 million contract
Marian: Are you sure you don’t want me to take a physical first?
Glen: Naaaaaah!

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Predictions that will make me look stupid

October 7, 2008

After perusing ESPN.com’s predictions for the 2008-09 season, I thought I’d make a few of my own. Feel free to reach back to this post when you need to mock and humiliate me. Your welcome!

  • The Ottawa Senators will win the Northeast Division. It’s amazing how quickly people can sour on a team that boasts Dany Heatley, Daniel Alfredsson and Jason Spezza.

Sure, there was a time when the Senators had more than just that superstar line. But let’s not forget that the Montreal Canadiens – for all their class and entertainment value – are depending on an extremely green goalie and Alex Kovalev, one of the flightiest star players in the game.

Honestly, would the Canadiens need a second to trade anyone on their roster for Spezza or Heatley? This year’s Ottawa team will not spur the Globe and Mail to compare them to Gretzky’s Oilers, but they might just have enough juice to slip past an overrated (if not lovable) Montreal team.

  • The Red Wings won’t win the Cup.
  • Because the Ducks will win the Cup.
  • Even though the Ducks will win the Cup, they probably won’t win their division.
  • The Edmonton Oilers are the sexiest team in the NHL.

Seriously. They have that underdog, scrappy young team vibe. If you can’t root for Erik Cole after his grisly neck injury, even atheists will wonder about your soul. Ales Hemsky is also quite a beast from what I’ve heard.

  • The Maple Leafs would be historically bad, but Ron Wilson is just so damn ingenious that they will only be really bad.
  • The Devils will continue their “cockroach during nuclear winter” routine and not only make the playoffs, but win the Atlantic division. Even as I wish them death and destruction.

Am I the only person who thought the Devils actually made some pretty damn good moves? Bobby Holik sucked, but he mainly sucked because of the absurdity of his contract. Brian Rolston gives the Devils a really nice combination of forwards:

Brian Gionta – Patrik Elias – Zach Parise – Rolston

When you combine them with solid two-way/lesser known guys such as Jay Pandolfo, Jamie Langenbrunner and John Madden you have the making of an annoyingly effective team in front of the possibly immortal Martin Brodeur.

  • And if it’s not the Devils, it will be the Flyers … ensuring my misery either way.
  • I’m not predicting a regression for the Capitals for one simple reason: their division is a fucking joke. But they signed themselves a glass ceiling when they picked up Jose “Propecia” Theodore.
  • Don’t go sucking the Chicago Blackhawks’ popsicles just yet.
  • Pavol Demitra will not play 82 games.
  • If the Red Wings kick as much ass in this season as last, Lidstrom should receive a Hart Trophy. As good as Chris Pronger is, it’s a crying shame that he has a Hart trophy but Lidstrom doesn’t. Justice should be served.
  • Don’t be shocked if Markus Naslund has a really good year.
  • The Vancouver Canucks will make the playoffs and Roberto Luongo will win the Vezina.
  • Finally, I have absolutely no clue who will win the Selke. So I’ll just say Pavel Datsyuk to be safe.