In case you haven’t heard the news, Guy Carbonneau was fired. A commenter at KK said it was “predictable” but the news left me stunned, at least. This marks the first bit of a hockey news I heard first through Twitter (which for some reason, is nowhere near as disconcerting as the time Facebook status updates keyed me in on Heath Ledger’s death).
It also begs the regrettable question: is there Carbonneau scandal, too? Or is the “scandal” just an underperforming team playing its 100th season?
In my mind, Alex Ovechkin should be the biggest star in the NHL … and I’m a Pittsburgh Penguins fan. Simply put, the Russian superstar’s playing style seems like the exact thing that should grab the attention of that vaunted 18-35 demographic. Beyond scoring highlight reel goals, Alex O also headhunts like a uni-browed Troy Polamolu and bangs hot blondes like hot cakes. To get more American than that you need to snatch a damn apple pie off of a window sill.
Sidney Crosby, on the other hand, mainly passes the puck, lives in a middle aged man’s house and no one really knows if he ever sneaks busty coeds to his neat little basement nest. (This is the life of a man earning $8.5 million. Really?) And while Ovechkin hams it up for the press, Crosby’s about as secretive as the Bush administration.
So, what is it that makes Crosby more marketable?
His name. It’s easy to say and read. Two-syllables for his first name and two-syllables for his last. Rolls off the tongue. Joe Stain Shirt can read it and recognize him.
This brings me back to a simpler time in North America. When immigrants would flood the area known as Ellis Island, their bizarre European names would be changed to honest, hard working Joes, Johns and Adams. Sure, these practices reeked of xenophobia, but dammit … assimilation is progress!
Or so they’d say.
With that in mind, it got me to thinking: what if the NHL pulled an Ellis Island and re-named incoming Russians, other Europeans and the occasional Freedom Fry Frenchie? Let’s take a team-by-team look of what the league might do to make these consonant-heavy, multi-syllabic last names easier for honest, hard working ‘Mericans to read and recite.
After all, not everyone’s name can match the three syllable bliss of Erik Cole.
Anaheim Ducks
Teemu Selanne to Tommy Salami
Francois Beauchemin to Frank Bean.
Atlanta Thrashers
Ilya Kovalchuk to Eric Cooper
Kari Lehtonen to Carl Leto
Boston Bruins
Zdeno Chara to Zack Chara
Patrice Bergeron to Patrick Burger
Buffalo Sabres
Maxim Afinogenov to Max Alexander
Ales Kotalik to Al Cole
Calgary Flames
Jarome Iginla to Jeremy Eagles
Miikka Kiprusoff to Michael Crabtree
Nikolai Khabibulin to Nick Wall
Johnathan Toews to Johnathan Taves
Colorado Avalanche
Milan Hedjuk to Miles Heder
Marek Svatos to Mark Smith
Columbus Blue Jackets
Pascal Leclaire to Paul Lee
Ole-Kristian Tollefsen to Owen Toll
Dallas Stars
Fabian Brunnstrom to Fred Burns
Stephan Robidas to Steve Roberts
Detroit Red Wings
Valtteri Flippula to Val Phillips
Justin Abdelkader to Justin Adams
Edmonton Oilers
Lubomir Visnovsky to Larry Vale
Jeff Drouin-Deslauriers to J.D. Drew
Florida Panthers
Jay Bouwmeester to J. Bowman
Tomas Vokoun to Tommy Vacuum
Los Angeles Kings
Anze Kopitar to Andrew Keith
Jason Labarbera to Bruce Barber
Minnesota Wild
Marian Gaborik to Mario Goodman
Stephane Veilleux to Steve Volume
Montreal Canadiens
Guillaume Latendresse to Guy Trendy
Francis Bouillon to Franky Cube
Nashville Predators
Pekka Rinne to Pecker Red
New Jersey Devils
Pierre-Luc Letoruneau-Leblond to Luke Perry
Jamie Langenbrunner to Jimbo Lang
New York Islanders
Kyle Okposo to Kyle Ox
Sean Bergenheim to Sean Bergen
New York Rangers
Henrik Lundqvist to Hank Loder
Nikolai Zherdev to Nick Zeus
Ottawa Senators
Daniel Alfredsson to Alf
Anton Volchenkov to Andrew Volt
Jason Spezza to Jason Pizza
Jesse Winchester to Jesse Gunn
Philadelphia Flyers
Antero Niittymaki to Arthur Nichols
Kimmo Timonen to Kimbo Thomas
Pittsburgh Penguins
Evgeni Malkin to Gene Martin
Ruslan Fedetenko to Tank Johnson
San Jose Sharks
Evgeni Nabokov to Geno Copper
Johnathan Cheechoo to John Train
Marc-Edouard Vlasic to Edward Plastic
St. Louis Blues
Paul Kariya to Paul Korea
Tampa Bay Lightning
Vincent Lecavalier to Vinny Cavalier
Martin St. Louis to Martin St. Peter
Toronto Maple Leafs
Vesa Toskala to Vin Tacosalad
Vancouver Canucks
Roberto Luongo to Bob Long
Washington Capitals
Alexander Ovechkin to Al Oven
See, that’s a lot of fun. Leave some good ones in the comments.
How do you introduce yourself on the web? Most jerks open with a “Hi I’m Bill Simmons, please read my 9,000 word post about The Hills and why Boston sports are > all the other sports franchises ever created.” Lame. I used to do this trick at college parties where I would mumble my name when meeting new people then try to press them to see if they remembered. Making people uncomfortable is usually fun, even when you’re the only one laughing. But for lack of a better way to introduce myself; I’m Abel, wont you please read my 469 word post about knowing nothing about Hockey and awful puns?
O’ Brien and I go way back, and by way back I mean 2006 when he was the miserable editor in chief of the North Texas Daily and I was a not-yet-but-soon-would-be miserable intern. Sure I knew the guy, and he seemed like an ok dude if you ignore his strange obsession with wearing old Dokken t-shirts and banging oddly shaped, circus-seal looking redheads but we didn’t start hanging out until we both left the paper. And it wasn’t long before he started ranting about creating this site. For potential job interview purposes I’m gonna claim that I’m one of the founding fathers of this site (I even created the logo!) But the truth is that I really have no business here but James convinced me that it’d be different to read about hockey from someone who’s most likely try to steal benches than watch a hockey game.
So while I do plan to binge on hockey this season and learn as much as I can about the sport so I can be cool like everyone else here (this must be what Jack Black must’ve felt like when he taught himself to play guitar at 19), for now I’ll only provide insight into something all of us can enjoy: Awful Puns.
At first glance there’s a lot to love about hockey. It’s one of the few sports that can have you rapt with attention because every possession brings another potential scoring chance, another potential rebound/sweet spot goal, another shot off the posts, another odd man rush. And that’s not even mentioning the fights. But it wasn’t any of that that refried my beans it was the gaping wide opportunity for puns and, to a farther reach, intentionally (and sometimes unintentionally) mispronounce names.
Some of the highlights that have come from the last eight months of playing EA Sports NHL games:
Vaclav “Proposal” Prospal
Jarome “Ignalia” Iginla
Some people score together Ryan scores Malone
Chris once upon a midnight Drury
(Editors note: We’re pretty sure Abel has dyslexia, but we don’t have the heart to tell him. They only get worse from here….)
And my fave:
Eric “Gangee” Gagne
(…Jezuz).
Cycle like the Sedins 