Bertuzzday: The NHL’s dopey Heman advertising campaign

He imposes his will on his enemy, but he does not allow his enemy’s will to be imposed on him. He imposes his will on his enemy, but he does not allow his enemy’s will to be imposed on him. He imposes his will on his enemy, but he does not allow his enemy’s will to be imposed on him.

All lockout and no play makes NHL marketing a dull boy.

Coming out of the lockout, Gary Bettman and Co. were trying to re-establish or reignite hockey’s place in the sports world. During this process, the league left its unappreciative, abusive lover in ESPN for the sexually mundane but clingy Outdoor Life Network (which showed its undying love by changing its network name to the more sensible and less shit-kick-uous Versus). Thankfully, the league bounced back because it opened up the game in a variety of ways. The game sold itself.

And it had to, because christ almighty, those advertisements were Monster Energy Drink rejects. Somewhere Ridley Scott and Jerry Bruckheimer were waiting for royalty checks.

The scene starts off with a quote from The Art of War, following the time honored tradition of comparing a child’s game to war. Sure, getting a Chris Pronger elbow to the head hurts but most people would prefer an attack from Stompy over shrapnel to the throat.

The war analogy is weak, but the execution is even worse. The scene starts with homoerotic man boobage only to be followed by misogyny, when TUPH ACTOR HOCKEY PLAYER is too manly to put on his hockey equipment. Nope, he needs some random piece of ass to suit him up.

Then we see TAHP square off with Bland Hockey Opponent in NHL logo Gear.

BHOiNLG: “Nervous?”

TAHP: “This is going to be fun!”

Whoa-ho. Look out Gladiator. The NHL is coming to wreck your shit! Cue the sexy female narrator and get her the Lao Tzu lines! Now, dammit!

Perhaps the most hysterical part is the ending, when the puck streams iconic hockey images on both sides on its journey to the UBER COOL GAME WINNING GOAL. That definitely made the Fox exec behind the GloPuck cream his pants.

Instead of using a generic war movie orchestra score, the NHL should have just used Godsmack. It worked for the US Army, why can’t it work for a fake hockey army?

Over time the NHL’s gotten better at realizing that its fans (and potential fans) are no longer impressed by meathead commercials and that hockey’s niche sport status suggests a humorous approach. Over the last few years, they’ve hit their stride with very funny commercials (featuring Joe Thornton, Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin) and even came up with some solid cereal ones too (kinda dig this year’s “talking inside the photo/Zack Morris freeze-time inspired” spots, but the real champ is that sweet ass Stanley Cup montage). Those ad campaigns actually are a solid example of the NHL listening to its fans, even if the league’s hearing is rather selective *COUGH*Fire Gary Bettman *COUGH COUGH.*

Next week, we’ll take a look at the absurdly goofy and strange ads from past and present (here’s a hint, Max Talbot might make an appearance). I want to make sure I get as many of the best quirky NHL ads so please link any relevant ridiculous local commercials in the comments.

Until then, here’s four of the better NHL ads to come in recent times:

God, this Cup raising commercial is just amazing:

Ilya Kovalchuk would look great in a different uniform … the news cycle!

Barry Trotz graciously accepts his Goofiest Looking Coach Award

• Puck Daddy spotlights yet another great Russian interview, this time with mercurial sniper Ilya Kovalchuk. When Alex Ovechkin burst onto the scene in his rookie year, he was first compared to Kovalchuk and then to Pavel Bure once it was obvious who was the bigger impact player.

While he burnt me the year he was my first round selection in fantasy hockey, he still grabs my attention like few others. Really, with Ovechkin’s bumper car checking mentality, Kovalchuk might be a better analog to Bure. He certainly relates to Bure by playing in a struggling Southern US market without much help from his mediocre teammates.

His response of choice to the Thrashers-related probes was to say “wait until 2010,” the year he will become an unrestricted free agent. It’s obvious why there are trade rumors but the Thrashers would be insane not to throw all their resources at Kovalchuk. Honestly, he’s the only reason the franchise deserves to exist.

If he was in a better market or on a decent team, he’d be just a rung or two lower than Crosby-Ovechkin. It’s a real sin that he’s never been on a hockey video game cover as he ranks as one of the most unstoppable digi forces the polygonal world’s ever seen.

• This article is more than a week old but is absolutely worth reading: Michael Farber‘s “five stealth MVPs.”

He brings up the fact that Barry Trotz works miracles with a Nashville Predators club that always seems to persevere through any number of calamities. It’s obvious why people do not want to bring this up very often: Nashville is a place meant for country music and inbreeding in the eyes of many. But Trotz is much like the NFL’s longest reigning coach Jeff Fisher, and not just because they’re both coaching teams in Tennessee.

They both enjoy and earn startling longevity in a sports world where “What have you done for me lately?” is the ultimate management question. (Eddie Murphy must be rolling in his grave.*) Also, Trotz wins the Goofy Looking Coaches Cup in a heated 7-game series with Jacques Lemaire and his comb-over.

* He’s not dead you say? Well, I say he died after Beverly Hills Cop and was replaced by an unfunny money grubbing robot. We all miss money grubbing but genius Eddie Murphy with his politically incorrect stand up and his fashionably incorrect loud leather suits.

• Fans wrote in a request for the Penguins to play WHAM! for Alex Goligoski goals (man, how did people not know that George Michael was gay???). While that song will probably gain more support, I’d like to recommend a dark horse candidate in The Go! Team:

Miami Five-O for the win.

• Am I the only one who gets annoyed that NHL 09 allows people to interfere so much? Every time there’s a loose puck, some online douche hits me illegally while trying to retrieve it. And a little part of me dies.

• From the shameless bewbage department: Eyes on the Prize features hot women with Montreal Canadiens merchandise. If you need something to do to kill time, just play “Guess the PhotoShopped images!”

Cleavage: nature’s billboard

• A lot of people are annoyed that Habs fans keep stuffing the ballot box. My main reaction is a whole lotta “Meh.” Although I agree that Habs fans should focus their efforts on continued bra stuffing instead.

• During the switch from Time Warner Satan Cable to Hopefully better Verizon FIOS, I’ve been without Center Ice for at least three weeks. Every steak tastes less juicy. Every morning less crisp. Every wound less gaping.

Life will go on but the question is: should it?

Outing the Shootout

Sometimes Google Image Searches now better than I

In an attempt to be persuasive, some people go a little bit overboard. Maybe they’ll distort facts or use statistics selectively. Perhaps, instead, it will lead to an attack on a person’s credibility. Or simply an attack.

But in most situations of debate (heated or otherwise), there’s usually a kernel of wisdom that can be found with either side – as hard as that is to imagine when you’re pointing your finger and flinging yell-spit in your opponent’s face.

Such a scenario comes to mind when normally rational hockey fans discuss the shootout. On one side, there’s the hockey purist who cannot stop his or her blood from boiling when a team earns a win from a skills competition. In the other corner: the devil-may-care, shootout loving iconoclasts. Their battle is mostly full of snark but occasionally a little venom slips into the water supply.

One hockey blogger went as far as to disavow the palpable, obvious buzz that takes place before a shootout. Unfortunately, the memory of the precise puckhead escapes me, which is probably for the best. But basically the author claimed that the aforementioned buzz was a coincidence. That it was happening just because of the shared realization that the game was near an end.

Or some incomprehensible load of drivel shit.

Say what you want about shootouts, you’re just an unflinching douche if this goal didn’t make you smile.

Look, most hockey fans agree on two things: Gary Bettman sucks and a shootout win proves nothing. Facts like those don’t, however, change the fact that a lot of the ticket buying public enjoys seeing shootouts. Every time I’ve been at a hockey game with a shootout the audience was enraptured, engaged and delighted. All eyes were on that nervous forward and that beleaguered goalie.

Honestly, there’s only two GUARANTEED times when people will stop what they are doing and watch a hockey game: a fight and the shootout. Plenty of hockey fans/purists/stat heads struggle with this fact but the evidence is undeniable.

There are times in life when you simply need to make the best of a situation. We may not like that a winner is crowned by an arbitrary event, but at least that event can bring about the occasional moment of transcendence (and give players like Marek Malik and Jussi Jokinen a brief moment in the spotlight). Sure, it sucks balls that a true winner isn’t crowned and it sucks even hairier balls that some teams might make or miss the playoffs due to their shootout prowess or lack thereof. If given the choice, I’d abolish the shootout but there are worse injustices in the sport.

Like the great prophet Sean Connery would say, “Buck up, Chap.” And rub some dirt on it. Maybe you should let that frozen pond once known as your heart melt a little and learn to squeeze some enjoyment out of shootouts. Just this week we got the treat of watching Mike Ribeiro bamboozle a goalie with a one-handed deke and subsequently enrage literally hundreds of Kings fans in the process.

Honestly, is this THAT much worse than kissing your sister?

Yet another Ruutu hater

An early entry for the funniest YouTube moment of the week was featured on Puck Daddy today:

Bertuzzday: Marty McSorley and a poll of cosmic significance

This Bertuzzday spotlights the last of three infamous moments in hockey goonery, Marty McSorley clubbing Donald Brashear over the head with his stick. The individual YouTube clip was awful quality, so just consult #4 in this clip of the 8 “dirttest” moments in hockey:

Of the three hits, this moment probably had the largest effect on the evildoer. Not only was McSorley suspended for the rest of the year, he also faced some minor criminal charges because of the incident. He also was effectively cock-blocked from international competition and McSorley’s career will be remembered for that ugly attack instead of the many attacks he made while protect pretty boys like Wayne Gretzky.

Brashear’s injury was a Grade 3 concussion caused by the way his head violently hit the ice. As an enforcer with the Vancouver Canucks, Washington Capitals and Philadelphia Flyers, he hasn’t exactly developed an angelic reputation himself. (His brush with infamy came this year as he “introduced” Atlanta Thrashers rookie Zack Bogosian to the NHL.)

Good ‘ol Hockey Fights.com.

ANYWAY, with all that I thought it would be a jolly good time to abritarily vote on which offense is the worst. There are two “bonus” choices for notable multiple offenders. (Chris Simon is the author of #2 in that first YouTube clip)

Each option on this poll has an appropriate clip:

What is the most shameful incident for the NHL?
( surveys)

Can’t spell Gaborik without IR

If J.S. Giguere had not dominated the 2003 playoffs so convincingly, Marian Gaborik would have been the big story. On a team about as flashy and entertaining as a night at the library, Gabby was that speed demon who could make your heart skip a beat if he picked up a stray puck.

His memorable breakaways sold me on his elite talent, but Dre just as memorably mocked him for having a complexion not unlike a pre-air brushed Proactive commercial actor.

Since that dynamic run to the Western Conference Finals, acne was the least of the problems for the Slovakian winger. Injuries have derailed what seemed to be an inevitable ascent to the Mount Rushmore of hockey stars. It seemed odd when the Minnesota Wild brought over his countryman Pavol Demitra, since Gaborik’s buddy might be the only high-level NHLer who has suffered a more Wile E. Coyote-like fate.

He’s never played 82 games before and missed a ton of games in recent years. But as you can see from last year’s explosive 42 goal – 83 point output, he’s clearly a very productive player when he can stay relatively healthy. Take a look at his career statistics from hockeydb.com.

So, this brings us to a question dominating much of the chatter in the hockey blogosphere: is Marian Gaborik really worth a huge investment? According to beat reporter Michael Russo, the Minnesota Wild are putting their young franchise’s greatest talent on the trading block after becoming frustrated with what has been an unproductive negotiating process.

Shockingly, the oft-injured Gaborik allegedly turned down a 10 year, $80 million contract! The story states that the Montreal Canadiens and Los Angeles Kings reportedly are the front runners for Gaborik’s services, while Bucci’s mailbag hints at the Penguins green-lighting Marian II: Gaborik’s Revenge.

Honestly, the Penguins should be put in jail for instant gratification abuse if they make such a move. Going for Gaborik would cost the Penguins valuable prospects in a time when they need every cheap, entry-level deal that can fit in their cap. And let’s face it, as Bucci says, Gaborik doesn’t seem like he’ll take less money for more wins.

(Basically, Gaborik looks at this Mike Commodore photo with a mixture of stomach turning disgust and envy.)

The most interesting possibility would probably be adding Gaborik to the Habs’ 100th Anniversary celebration. They have expendable young players, cap space they originally aimed at Mats Sundin and perhaps the most justification for a one season fling.

The Canadiens already have a sexy combination of beautiful, classic jerseys and gifted forwards.

Imagine adding Gaborik’s unparalleled speed and fantastic sniping abilities to a cast of characters that includes the ludicrously skilled Alex Kovalev, the Kostitsyn brothers, Tomas “The Mechanic” Plekanec, Alex Tanguay, Saku Koivu and Andrei Markov.

That sounds like the best solution to an unfortunate situation. As long as Bob Gainey doesn’t offer him a crazy long-term contract.

Bertuzzday: Dale Hunter’s disgrace

“Everything changed by one mean-spirited little prick. When Pierre Turgeon got up, he left some piece of himself on the Nassau pond. From the minute he returned, he was hesitant; he was a perimeter guy; he was a guy who was not activating the energy level of his team the way he had been. He didn’t have that drive to the front of the net.” -Frank Brown quote found on Hockey Legends

On the heels of arguably the most notorious hit in NHL history, it only seems natural to follow it up with a hit that quite possibly is more egregious.

Dale Hunter‘s hit didn’t break Pierre Turgeon‘s neck. Cannot say whether or not that moment of shocking violence looped on judgmental news reels and received national attention – my attention at that time was devoted either to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or professional wrestling.

But my guess is that it was infamous mainly in the hockey community, as then-new commish Gary Bettman suspended Hunter a then-record 21 games for that sickeningly late hit.

Much like Todd Bertuzzi and Steve Moore, this hit will inexorably bond Turgeon and Hunter forever. Thankfully, Turgeon still ended up having an excellent career: he retired more than ten years later (in 2007), broke 1,000 points and made a huge heap of cash.

It is interesting to read that Turgeon was a potential superstar before that fateful night. Without knowing about that moment of ghastly violence, Turgeon simply seemed to me to be a soft, enormously overpaid player who coasted on past glories. Who knew that he had every reason to flinch even when celebrating a goal.

Hunter, on the other hand, can only seek refuge in Capitals fans and the people who knew him behind the scenes. Bruce Schoenfeld of The Sporting News put it well:

“The Turgeon check is by far the most memorable feature of his career, the two minutes he would get on SportsCenter if he retired today.”

It certainly is a shame that people can reduce an entire career to one disturbing YouTube clip, but any pity reserved for Hunter is weighed by that gnawing bit of logic. There’s just no excuse for what he did.

Overall, my perspective on the situation is limited. For now here’s a few interesting quotes/links to what other bloggers said about it. It would certainly be great if there will be an update with some fresh opinions (so stay tuned) but for now a few pull quotes and links will have to do.

The hit was listed among the top 10 hockey violence lowlights on CBC Sports Online.

Another link to the incomparable Hockey Legends Web site: who knows how much respect that hit cost Hunter, but apparently it took $150,000 from his bank account.

More coming soon, hopefully …

The Busts and the Busty: An early look at fantasy hockey

OK, no one on this list is busty (insert Keith Tkachuk/Kyle Wellwood related obesity retort). But, really, it’s time for the wordsmith community to reclaim the word busty from evil yet often generous internet pornographers. Because of porn, the word busty can never reasonably be used as a direct verbal compliment for a woman.

That breaks my heart.

Anyway, now that we’ve gotten that ugly bit of mammorical conversation out of the way, let’s take a look at some of the interesting stories in fantasy hockey so far. This might be a little bit heavy on players who are on my teams, as they are the ones being followed most closely. To justify the headline, “busty” means unexpectedly good and you should already know what a bust is in sports gobbledygook parlance.

Bust: Ryan Geztlaf and the Mighty Ducks in general

This probably will not hold for the majority of the season, but it must be said. The Ducks have been a huge disappointment and no Duck is hurting fantasy hockey teams more than the balding young power forward Getzlaf.

Granted, his foibles at least were rather hotheaded PIM-heavy, so that was the silver lining in the shit clouds. But one point in 6 games is the kind of stats that made Ducks fans hate Doug Weight last season.

Busty: Keith Tkachuk

Heh. But seriously, the man once labelled “Ka-chunk” seems like he might reestablish his above average power forward status. So far he has six goals and four of them are on the powerplay.

For some reason, that stat line made me think of Trailer Park Boys. Whenever Tkachuk scores a goal there’s probably a catch-phrase challenged fantasy hockey owner dropping a “Baaaaaaaaam!”

Bust: Martin Biron

There’s always deals with the devil in fantasy hockey. Picking up Todd Bertuzzi due to his decent scoring ability and superhuman skill to take awful penalties is one example.

But sometimes you have to draw the line, as my late-to-the-draft roster is in shackles under a Chris Osgood – Martin Biron regime. Serves me right.

Busty: Quote-less Joe

It’s truly hard to put a price on that odd moment or two when fantasy hockey makes you feel sort of smart. This year’s catalyst, so far, has been Burnaby Joke Sakic. A lot of hockey people wrote Sakic off because he had a really rough year and is a little bit long in the tooth.

Surefire sign a player is old: for Sakic this wasn’t a throwback jersey

But this is where checking the context of a player’s stats is a key to having a few tricks up your sleeve in a fantasy draft. Even in a rough, injury ravaged season Sakic still managed to pick up 40 points in 48 games.

My logic in drafting him late in three of three drafts: if healthy, Sakic could reasonably hit 70 points this season. It’s always a tightrope walk with older players, but here’s a good general rule to follow in fantasy hockey:

When in doubt, go for the star player.

Bust: Henrik Zetterberg

My decision to draft Zetterberg over Joe Thornton seemed reasonable at the time. LWs are notoriously harder to come by than Centers. Zetterberg gets the FW of a center, shoots more often than a Spaghetti Western protagonist, should have a ridiculous plus-minus and looks like Jared Leto.

Find a better quadrangle than that and you might just get yourself a free donut.*

Still, this was a case of me over-thinking. Deep down, Thornton is the better player and Zetterberg is extremely injury prone. In the first few rounds it’s important to focus on reliable players.

Save the flashes of genius for when you’re at the bottom of the barrel.

Busty: Brandon Dubinksy

Doobie Dubinsky proved me wrong. When Dre scooped him up in Week 1, I snickered. Dubie’s had the last laugh as he’s piled up more points than anyone on my roster.

Maybe he jelled so well with Jaromir Jagr because he’s pretty damn good.

Bust: Daniel Carcillo

Last year’s overwhelming PIM monster currently has only four PIM and no points. Yeeech.

Still, this guy might be a solid buy-low candidate as a free agent pickup/trade throw-in. Highly recommended for those of you who drafted a team full of pansies.

Busty: Simon Gagne and Patrice Bergeron, massive head wound twins

Two other surefire sleepers this season were Gagne and Bergeron – both players are once-elite guys who had very serious injuries that ruined last season. For that reason, Bergeron especially slipped way under the radar despite being a veritable assist machine.

Gagne is the particularly promising guy because he’s a rare player with 50-goal potential. Plus, Bill Clement said Forsberg called him the purest shooter he’s ever seen in NHL ’08. That’s gotta count for something.

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So, there’s a look at some of the ups and downs so far this fantasy season. As always, these things can change: next month the busts can be become the busty. And you never know where the injury bug will lay her evil eggs next.

Stay tuned and try not to invest too much of your soul into fantasy hockey, mmmkay?

* – Seriously, though, I’m not going to buy you a fuckin’ donut.

It’s BERTUZZDAY!

In the olden days (before today) Tuesdays used to suck. Say what you want about Monday, at least it was the first day of the work week. Tuesdays are like the bad sequel or an ugly twin to Monday. There’s really not a whole lot that can be said for Tuesdays.

Until now.

Here at Cycle like the Sedins, we’re going to celebrate each Tuesday by chronicling the lowest, most vile and/or most humiliating moments hockey’s ever seen. And really, there cannot be a better person to attach to such an event than the infamous Todd Bertuzzi.

To start things off, it only seems natural to explore the event and man behind this historically bad pun. So with that, let’s take an off-beat and tasteless journey into the shameful event (is it Punchgate or Bertuzzigate? Because everything has to be “X”gate. It’s like, a rule or something).

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In my mind, there are three reasonable candidates for The NHL’s version of “The Zapruder film” but only one moment that could be hockey’s version of the JFK assassination. Sure, hockey fans might not know Where They Were When They Found Out It Happened … but few should ever forget the strange feeling of seeing hockey looped relentlessly on CNN.

And it sure as hell wasn’t for a breathtaking goal.

Here’s a link to a soundless clip that also features Steve Moore‘s hit on Markus Naslund, which inspired the Wild West-style bounty that was placed on Moore’s head.

Obviously, the toll this moment took on Moore’s life and career are not a laughing manner. But the Vancouver Canucks at fault deserve to be mocked and berated for their involvement (whatever it might be).

It must have been fate that implored me to watch “The Karate Kid” on Hulu.com last night, because the Vancouver Canucks – Cobra Kai parallel is STUNNING. Especially if you feel that Marc Crawford did indeed encourage Bertuzzi’s actions.

Disclaimer: my imaginary legal team must acknowledge that Marc Crawford claims Todd Bertuzzi acted “in direct disobedience” during the infamous attack. Therefore, this INGENIOUS analogy is based on the EXTREMELY DUBIOUS premise that Crawford promoted such behavior. My use of all caps is IN NO WAY an expression of sarcasm.

(Phew)

Now, watch this famous clip from “The Karate Kid” and see if you can match certain characters with their theoretical (former) Vancouver Canucks counterparts. Skip to about 1:30 if you want to limit your exposure to awesomeness:

In case you don’t have my Patented Deductive Skills, here’s the Cast of Characters:

Canucks/Cobra Kai from left: Markus Naslund, Todd Bertuzzi, Marc Crawford, Brad May

Marc Crawford as “Fascist Douche Coach.”

Could you imagine Crawford telling Bertuzzi to “sweep the leg”?

Todd Bertuzzi as Standard ’80s Teen Movie Villain with Aryan Features

Heat from the media neutered Todd Bertuzzi’s game. Say what you will about Zabka/Johnny’s underhanded techniques, at least it took a crane kick to humble him. Advantage Zabka.

Strangely, this image comes from www.sharkblog.com.

Doesn’t this quote seem eerily familiar to Brady May’s “bounty” comment? Just sayin’.

Seriously, the similarities are endless (or there’s about three). I’m not sure who would be Mr. Miyagi though.

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To wrap up our first ever Bertuzzday, let’s end it with an interesting question. E-mail us your answers and we’ll feature the best responses on next week’s Bertuzzday:

What would it take – within the realm of possibility – for Bertuzzi to absolve his sins in your eyes? In other words, suggestions related to death and breaking his own neck will be read, possibly laughed at but then ignored. I’d especially like to hear from Colorado Avalanche fans (and, hell, Teemu Selanne if he’s got a second). To start things off, here’s what he could do that would appease me greatly:

“The Jesus” thought that what the Canucks did was “Bush league stuff … laughable mang.”

Do you remember that scene in “The Big Lebowski” where Walter gives a little background on “The Jesus”? How he had to go door-to-door to let his neighbors know “he was a pederast”?

Bertuzzi would have my reluctant forgiveness if at a designated time during every road game, the Jumbotron would display a recorded message of Todd Bertuzzi admitting to being a confirmed neck breaker (or something like that). Fans could even mock him in a “Kiss Cam” kind of way. It wouldn’t repair Moore’s vertebrate and Bertuzzi would still be making crazy money to play a game he’s clearly no longer passionate about.

But it would make a difference if he was DIRECTLY shamed in public for this moment until he concedes and retires. Enough of that “dark cloud/carrying a mental burden” crap.

I want that burden to be TANGIBLE.

The always expanding YouTube links: Goals

Here’s an expansive list of the greatest goals/goal compilations one can find on YouTube and it’s brethren. At first I thought I was a John McCain like Maverick with this post, but then I saw something similar on HF forums. Oh well.

This is still a collection of some of the greatest goals ever. If you’re in an argument with someone who says hockey is boring, send them here and wait for their slack jaws to drop.

The Ovechkin Goal

(Perhaps the most astounding goal I’ve ever seen)

For now, I’ll make it “the only embed” for page loading friendliness reasons (maybe I’ll rotate the true must see ones)

Alexander Ovechkin’s top 10

Terrible song, but a pretty good mix of Ovechkin highlights.

Sidney Crosby beats four Rangers D: amazing

Sidney Crosby top 10

The Rick Nash Goal

Johnathan Toews fancy goal

The crazy lacrosse-style goal by a Michigan Wolverine: March 24, 1996
Another link of the Michigan goal

Another crazy lacrosse style goal

Marek Malik’s absurd between the legs shootout winner (thanks to Center Ice, I actually stumbled on this moment LIVE!)

Cycle like the Sedins!

Cycle like the Sedins 2: Cycle Harder!

CLS 3: Cycle with a Vengeance

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Assorted Goal Medleys: generally, the highlights get better as the songs get more atrocious

“The 20 best goals ever seen.” (Allegedly)

Some redundant goals here, but great stuff. Seriously, though, these songs keep getting worse.

Ten recent goals. That Datsyuk goal doesn’t get old (and added humor bonus of the Stars uterus-based third jersey).

Top 10 goals when falling. You know it’s a good list when Ovie’s ubiquitous goal vs. Phoenix does not get the No. 1 spot.

Best goals of last season. Hockey gamers will undoubtedly recognize the soundtrack.