Ways to improve the All-Star Game

In case you haven’t seen it, Sporting News‘s Craig Custance asked the hockey world how the league should improve the All-Star game. There’s a lot of neat (and a few crazy) ideas in there, but why not throw in a few more? Some of these might be reaches or smell like mad science. Just roll with it.

First, a few of my favorites from the article:

Love the pickup game idea

Is there anything cooler than the idea of highly paid professional athletes acting out an experience almost any non-home schooled person went through in junior high? Just imagine players weighing skill versus friendships versus their teammate’s egos would be great. Seeing which players were picked last probably would be the best part of all.

Also, helmets off is a must

Maybe we’d find there’s a guy whose eyes bug out when he sees some open net like a modern day Rocket Richard.

Any excuse for international ice is a good excuse

Since the league would never give up that prime seat revenue, we’ll probably never get the kind of open ice that could really make a bigger difference than less organic moves like widening the net. So at least tantalize audiences with the larger ice surface for the All-Star game.

Now, a few of my own:

Real estate and All-Star games: all about location

In the last few years, the league keeps shoehorning teams into opening their seasons in Europe. If those teams struggle, fans immediately (and not completely unjustifiably) blame said struggles on the extra travel.

And look at the New York Rangers this season. It seemed like a brilliant idea to have the Rangers play in the Czech Republic … until Jaromir Jagr and Martin Straka left the NHL. That’s not to say that those games were failures because of a lack of prominent Czechs, but no doubt the league must have been thinking hometown fans would love to see Jagr play in those games.

Put the ASG in Amsterdam or Paris or Rome or some other awesome, tourist-y location and watch the mainstream media members suddenly catch hockey fever. Plus, having All-Stars instead of NHL teams play would allow people who never see the Crosbys and Ovechkins in person get to watch a bunch of big names at once.

Before you say “but the big names won’t show up” … don’t you think Martin Brodeur would be more inclined to play if the game was featured in some exotic location instead of, say, Columbus, Ohio?

And to take care of issues with travel:

Move the All-Star Game to the preseason

This would make the traveling concerns weaken. Also, instead of wedging the All-Star game in the middle of the season, why not play it when people are jonesing for hockey? By positioning it in late January, people already have seen 40-50 games per team. But hold it in September and hockey fans will be much more likely to tune in. And if you’re worried about competition from the NFL, just televise it on a Thursday, Friday or Saturday.

If an outdoor game becomes an annual event, why not give the ASG at least one snowflake boost?

Imagine watching the best players in the world skating and passing in an environment like Wrigley Field. Sooner or later, the novelty of the Winter Classic will wear off for the non-diehard hockey people so making one of the outdoor games an ASG would keep it fresh. What you’d lose in hometown team ratings you might just gain in nationwide ratings (maybe).

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These events are that one time of their year when people don’t need to worry about empty shootout points, dirty hits and other scandals. So why not have a little fun with it? And what better way to schmooze sponsors than to showcase hockey in such a grand, borderline romantic setting?

Manalysis: Mike Milbury is the NHL’s Matt Millen

Remember kids, not everyone who wears glasses is automatically smart.*

Rarest are the times when the planets align; when everything comes together in an angelic jambalaya of perfection. Hockey and football certainly have things in common: both are violent, look great in HD and employ large quantities of meat heads. That being said, it’s unusual to see a pairing more joined at the blundering hips than “Mad” Mike Milbury and “Fire” Matt Millen.

Allow me to elaborate …

Backgrounds marinated in likability

Giving Mike Milbury a tip of the hat for his playing days is the only sane thing to do. For christ sakes, the guy went into the stands … AND BEAT SOME JACKASS FAN WITH HIS OWN SHOE. Remember in grade school, when you forced your “friends” to play the “stop hitting yourself game”? This was the NC-17 version of that.

Seriously, does it get any manlier than taking off someone else’s shoe and beating the shit out of them with it? How does that guy look himself in the mirror? Imagine what it must be like for his buddies: do they tease him about it or is it such an emasculating experience that they just stay away?

That might be worse than trying to look your friend in the eye after sleeping with a 300 pound woman.

(Um, or so my cousin says.)

Millen, also a defensive player, did almost as well: he won four Super Bowls during a journeyman career. Almost as good as beating someone with their own shoe.

Tormenting fan base by making horrendous trades, idiotic signings and baffling draft moves (and sticking around as GM for an awkwardly long amount of time)

Mike Milbury spent an astonishing 11 years making the New York Islanders so atrocious that most young hockey fans forget that the team once won four straight Stanley Cups. Eleven years. It’s amazing what kind of damage an idiot person can do in that much time:

• First trade essentially sent away Wade Redden for Bryan Berard and Martin Straka. Remember, this was “someday I’ll make $6.5 million” Redden not “a crazed Rangers fan might kill me someday” Redden. And they received post-eye injury Berard and non-Jagr enhanced Straka.
• This is also the first guy to trade Roberto Luongo.
• Traded away Darius Kasparitis for Bryan “meh” Smolinski. Kasper becomes a part of Penguins lore after concussing Eric Lindros.
• Traded away pre-prime pre-neck breaking Todd Bertuzzi and Bryan McCabe for Trevor Linden. Oddly, Bertuzzi and McCabe are among the most openly mocked players in the NHL right now, but for a few years they were considered “stars.”
• Drafts Rick Dipietro instead of Dany Heatley (although that did keep Heater away from dangerous New York traffic. Too soon … still?)
• Trades Zdeno Chara for Alexei Yashin. Proceeds to sign Yashin to perhaps the most openly ridiculed contract in the NHL history (with the possible exception of Toronto signing that Finger guy who’s so irrelevant I forgot his first name). Chara develops into a $6 million D who was so hardcore he wanted to be awake during his shoulder surgery (!).
• Oh, and guess what: the pick he traded to Ottawa turned into Jason Spezza. So essentially he traded away Chara and Spezza (core members of the Senators near-dominant teams) for franchise-killing pouty bitch overpaid center Yashin. Gadzooks.

That’s just astonishing. Millen certainly isn’t a slouch in the clusterfuck department, either. He drafted three WRs in the first round: one is basically out of the league, Roy Williams is a semi-bust and Calvin Johnson may never recover from slumming it up on a Millen-engineered 0-16 Lions team. Let’s not even dwell on Joey Harrington (that’s just cruel).

Is that the same photographer who had Brian Burke pose in the middle of an empty row? If not, someone might have a case for photo op infringement.

Shit, the guys almost share the same freaking name

Just switch it up: Matt Milbury and Mike Millen. If you read them real fast you might not even know there was a typo. This is getting creepy.

And of course, they pick up a TV job almost without missing a beat

The big debate regarding Millen is “how can you be credible when you clusterfucked a franchise into a 0-16 season” while everyone in Canada’s too busy booing American Junior players to care that some atrocious GM is on the intermission reports (kidding, they’re too busy eating flapjacks). Here they are – two of the worst decision makers their given sports have ever seen – already lapping up a nice TV contract.

And, you know what? Who cares. When you look at the parade of morons networks trot out for their shows (Terry Bradshaw … Keith Jones … DEION SANDERS?), maybe Millen and Milbury are the smartest in the room.

Sometimes it just comes down to Einstein’s theory of relativity – which after some skimming, contains no mention of shoe-based brutality.

*Question: did Milbury dramatically remove his glasses while making a draft pick or announcing a franchise crippling trade? Because if so, then forget that I ever criticized him.

10 Noteworthy Cycles from 2008

“Hockey – Rocky – Shmockey – BUKKAKE! I need this list like I need a shotgun blast to the face!”

Being that Cycle like the Sedins started more or less at the beginning of the 2008-09 season, there isn’t a huge pool of mind blowing posts quite yet. (Are there any?) That being said, there have been a few solid posts that help justify the epic timesuck that is posting without any monetary encouragement.

(The only necktar there is to feed off is your sinfully delicious comments. Rare, sweet necktar.)

Anyway, enough hivemind. Let’s take a look at 10 stories that were memorable (oddly enough, I didn’t plan it out to be ten it just sort of happened. Eat it, Letterman.)

The First Bertuzzday: how the Vancouver Canucks resembled Cobra Kai

While maintaining a weekly Bertuzzday proved too much to handle, it started off with a bang. The above post featured a deep analysis of Bertuzzday’s namesake, delving into the Steve Moore neck breaking fiasco, the Cobra Kai parallels to those former Canucks and finished with the question: what would Todd Bertuzzi need to do to gain forgiveness?

Never got a definitive answer on that one, but some of the comments between SLS and BoC were certainly intriguing.

Two major blows to the hockey blogosphere

Easily the most linked post in CLS’s brief history. Oddly enough, when I posted about the Dave Berry fiasco it seemed like my post would be at the tail end of the discussion. Boy, was I ever wrong about that…

Bertuzzday: Dale Hunter

Say what you want about the dirty Bertuzzi hit, at least it was in the heat of the moment. Hunter’s hit was made all the more sickening by the fact that Pierre Turgeon had absolutely no reason to expect contact. He just scored a fucking goal.

That hit redefined the standards for a late hit and possibly stunted Turgeon’s career. You have to wonder if he never felt quite felt safe on a sheet of ice ever again. Seriously, you cannot even safely celebrate a goal?

Can’t spell Gaborik without “IR”

This post doesn’t exactly make me some Puck Nostradamus. Seriously, pointing out Gabby’s injury prone nature is about as out-on-a-limb as predicting that Marisa Tomei will look good topless.

Still, sometimes it’s surprising how much this stuff is like clockwork. Martin Havlat breaking his trend would be equally surprising if it weren’t for this being his contract year (the timing of Havlat’s health > the timing of Minnesota fielding trade offers).

Being that the Wild will probably have to let Gaborik go for nothing, this could be one awkward breakup.

Half court Hockey

This post contemplates an idea proposed in a Bucci column: what if the NHL allowed the offensive zone to stretch to the red line once the attacking team entered the zone? Not everyone was on board with this idea (if I remember correctly, Greg W/Puck Daddy compared it to roller hockey), but it would certainly be interesting to see what the Ovechkins and Kovalchuks of the world would do with all that space.

Come on, it’s not THAT bad an idea, is it?
Which team would be the best for Oldmanahan?

It’s pretty amazing that this late-October post is still fairly relevant. Who would have thought that Brian Burke would lay rest to the Maple Leafs rumors and flea to Toronto before Shanahan would find a team to play for?

An in-depth look at the wildly unappreciated career of Jaromir Jagr

With all the hate thrown around for arguably the most talented European player in NHL history, it seemed right to smother the Czech in stat-heavy love. Admiring his jaw dropping goal against the Chicago Blackhawks does not assure the universe that you own a soul, but disavowing it definitely disqualifies you.

Ovechkin to Oven: what European hockey names would look like with the “Ellis Island” treatment

There’s a scene in the Andy Kaufman biopic “Man of the Moon” where Kaufman and Bob Zmuda are (Spoiler alert for complete, jarring idiots) swindling audiences by sharing the role of Tony Clifton. They have a good, hearty laugh as Kaufman’s manager quizzically states the obvious: what good is a joke if you’re the only two people in the world who get it?

That Ellis Island post is the Cycle like Sedins equivalent. Writing it during one night of inspiration with a smile from ear to ear, I showed it to my buddies who ate it up. And yet, if there was an Internet equivalent to a cricket chirping, the 0 comments on that post would be it.

Eh, fuck you guys. That shit’s funny.

Great things come in pairs

Solid little article about the dynamic duos of the NHL past and present. Justified partially though not entirely by a Toe Jam and Earl reference. Consider this the Ron Francis of CLS posts.

Picking the brain of a fantasy hockey guru

This guy’s been the ace up my sleeve in fantasy hockey for years now (although, honestly, if any one facing me in any of my three leagues read my blog they’d know about him by now). Thanks to a sublime combination of my own hockey knowledge, his Q & A’s and idiotic panic moves by other league owners I’m in first place in two of my leagues and second in the league where I suffered an autopick fate for the first four rounds.

Interviewing the guy was enjoyable and he generally shook off my absurd, silly questions.

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Not a bad first four months. It helps put the ‘ol paralyzing anonymity in perspective. At times it’s been discouraging as the concept of the blog fell apart like the Pittsburgh Penguins’ powerplay, but no need to dwell on the negative.

Here’s to a 2009 that hopefully makes those posts pale in comparison.

Hockey Orphan: Atlanta Thrashers

It’s been a couple months since Earl Sleek and I tackled the Anaheim Ducks in Hockey Orphan, but now that there’s more time to kick around it seems logical to get back in the saddle. For the many who are new to this concept, here’s the basic idea:

Imagine a day when all your hockey memories are zapped from your mind. Feel free to create the scenario: maybe Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith used a device to erase your thoughts. Perhaps you fell out of the top of a bunkbed and are suffering from amnesia (but you inherit sweet ass psychic powers).

Whatever the case, the conceit of hockey orphan is simple: using an equation that combines the objective with the wildly subjective, which teams would be the most and least appealing for a budding hockey fan? And so it begins (again).

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Not pictured: Kovie celebrating his Atlanta exodus

Atlanta Thrashers (take: James O’Brien)

During the first attempt at Hockey Orphan in my first attempt at a personal hockey blog, the Thrashers earned a “C” grade largely based on the merits of Ilya Kovalchuk. Of course, the team did have a little more reason for postivity coming off their first ever (and epically ill-fated) playoff berth.

Things have only gone downhill since then. Atlanta traded Marian Hossa for a 1st round pick turned project (Angelo Esposito) and two borderliners (most notably Colby “Beef” Armstrong). Sadly, they also traded promising young D-man Braydon Coburn to the evil Flyers for Alexei “Careers Gone to” Zhitnik.

Not surprisingly, the Thrashers devolved from playoff patsy to cellar dweller. Reviews of their third jersey range from “not terrible” to, well, terrible. Honestly, there’s not much to be positive about since the franchise will almost certainly lose it’s last superstar in Kovalchuk.

Just an awful, awful team. I’d be curious to see if a Thrashers blogger can bring some sunshine to the equation because it’s hard to find any.

Grade: D with Kovalchuk, F once he inevitably gets traded/leaves via free agency.

B-but what about Obama? You still don’t like us…?

Watching the Team USA games during the World Junior Championships is just getting awkward. It seems weird to call dudes 5 to 6 years younger than me “kids,” but you’re going to boo kids? Really?

Here I thought Canadians were these jolly, pot smoking folks with public health care and loads of maple syrup. They might be all those things, but apparently they can also be a bunch of dicks. This kinda bums me out.